im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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