Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
