What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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