I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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