I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
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