just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
