Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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