I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
