i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
