I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
