She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
