Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize