How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
