i was born a porn star she said
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
