Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
