mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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