if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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