The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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