Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
