dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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