Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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