Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
