I am puke
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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