His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
