Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
