If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize