quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
