So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
