i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she told me i tasted like america
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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