Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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