I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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