i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
