When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
