Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
