If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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