I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
