I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
