Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
