You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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