my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
