Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize