i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
