I love black thongs
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
