I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
