She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
