I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize