just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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