you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
