So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
