Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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