I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
