Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
