Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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