I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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