you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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