i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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