i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
