I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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