You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
