If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
well you can't waste a boner
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
