i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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