I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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