The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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