okay pat passed out under dana's car
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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