The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize