i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
