Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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