do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
