Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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