don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
