she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
