your parents love me but you hate me
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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